hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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