I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My balls are so social today.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
