I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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