I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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