wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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