Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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