yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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