Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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