I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
