Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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