she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
