If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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