his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
