it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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