Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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