When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The police scanner is talking about you again....
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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