Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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