I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
