Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
