Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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