I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
