you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
