oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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