I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
