I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
