I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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