suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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