I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
