I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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