Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize