It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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