Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
