Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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