Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
