Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
