I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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