How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
