genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
