i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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