i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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