Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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