i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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