it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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