I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
