i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
