at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
