When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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