He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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