i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
