Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
