I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
porn star boner night. come get it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
