Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
