apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
