When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
