So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize