Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
