I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
