cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
