Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
pray to the hookup gods
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
