i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
