I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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