Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
