My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
