More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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